my life as i live it

it's hard..

2012-01-08T20:32:00.000-06:00

Sometimes it's so hard to love someone again. I'm still scared he's gonna leave me. I have so many trust issues because of the asses in the past. I suck with relationships. I love this guy, I really do, but why can't I just go with the flow, why do I always keep looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. Damn it we're living together. Why can't I just be happy!?!?! this is a struggle & i can't shake it. it's getting to the damn point that I'm half tempted to go pay someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong, but do I really wanna pay for that shit..for someone to tell me what I already know? that i'm a F-ed up messed! I need help though.

People have asked me many times "you wanna get married again" my answer is ummmm No i'm ok without that piece of paper!! I don't need it. i don't need a piece of paper to tell me I should love this person. had it once, it didn't mean shit! do I sometimes get lost in the thought of my "wedding" sure what girl doesn't? I never had the fairytale wedding but No i'm ok with no getting married again. Now that doesn't mean if someone that I loved asked me to marry him I would say NO, I would consider it, but for now I am happy without & I could live without it.

He tells me he loves me, I mean come on I was in a yr relationship with a guy who told me he only told me kids he loved them cause it was just words, no meaning behind it! and this one is a hell of alot better cause he says he loves me with his words, not with his fist! We're living together for christ sake, but my gut won't allow me to fully be happy cause I am scared if I just give it my all I will be crushed to pieces! :( :( I cry so much (in private of course cause I don't want him to see it.)

To all the assholes who have destroyed me...SCREW you! I hope you're all happy for the mess you've left.

JL if you're reading this. I knew I was gonna love you the moment I read for dating profile & when you decided to take a chance of me after 2 weeks of telling me I was to far. 10 months together, everyday I fall a lil more in love with you & your daughter. I couldn't ask for a better ass to live with & be my guy. my kids adore you too. but you know this already. I hope we have many more months together. :P xoxo

Hello 2012 goodbye 2011

2012-01-04T16:19:00.000-06:00

Ok so 2011 wasn't all that bad. actually it had some bumps but it wasn't a horrible year & trust me i've had worst. Sure my son had 2 surgeries 1 minor & 1 major, but for the most part it was a good year. I mean I met my guy & we've been living together since July. rough around the edges but it's good.

I just hope that 2012 will be No surgeries for any of the kids or myself, staying with my man & keeping our lil happy home going & growing closer, the kids see their dad more, happy times & good times. that's my hope. but we don't know what the future holds for any of us & well I guess it's just gonna be a one day at a time thing.

Happy new year everyone!

Lost but never forgotten....

2011-10-15T18:23:00.000-05:00

So today I went with my brother & his family & my mom to get family pics done since we've never done that. this marks the first year i've ever gotten pics done by someone since the kids were born, since the divorce & ext. sure i've done the pics with my camera but to have it done by a professional...never happened before til today. On our way my mom was telling me how C was talking about L & my niece asked who L was...C said "well I was a sick baby & was in the hospital a long time, and I have a twin sister L who died & she's up in heaven" C did it with tears in his eyes, but a 7yr old explained to a 9yr old his lil life story...she had no idea & she gave him a hug & said "i am so sorry". Funny how they were talking about this on this day as today is the

WORLDWIDE, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - Miscarriage, Stillbirth, SIDS.

weird right?? yeah I think so but I also think it was L saying.."hey mom i'm here". Damn I love those lil signs! they make my day, hour, week, month whatever! I love it! So we went & got the pictures done & even though L wasn't here, she was in our hearts & on our minds. Thanks C for bringing her up on this special day. I'm gonna go light my candle tonight & think of lil one (like that doesn't happen everyday) and honor her tonight.

I love you lil one.

Always & forever!

I'm back..

2011-09-24T21:55:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I took sometime but come one, I can explain!

ok #1 reason for taking time off (and I know I should never use this as an excuse) a boyfriend. Yes ladies & gents. I got a new man in my life & we're living together. How long will this last? well 6.5 months so far & 2 months living together & we haven't killed each other yet or had a huge fight. So either we're good at ignoring our issues or this is actually a good relationship, but whatever..I'm living in the present, not the future or the past. But all honesty he's a good guy..I love him (yeah dumbass that I am, swore i'd never fall in love again. umm SHIT..oh well, i can't help it. I did fall & i'm ok with it)

Ok Reason #2- school..ahhh yes we are back in school & i'm so loving this. they're out of my hair & bugging the teachers! haha suckers :)

Reason #3- well duhhhh it was summer & I was too busy to be on the computer. yes, other then the farmville addiction I have, I spent most of my days & nights outside enjoying our wannabe heat. seriously WI had a shitty summer, but oh well. it got hot, I love it nuff said.

Reason #4- my son had yet another surgery- This time with an ambulace ride to Children's in Milwaukee. Fun shit I tell ya. Kid wasn't even out of school for a week (seriously by sunday after his last day we were in the ER) and the dude had emergency surgery! What we thought was his appendix, turned out to be twisted fatty tissue that made it look like the appendix. So he got some twisted fatty stuff removed along with the appendix (if you're in there doing what looks like appendix scars, might as well take it too. after all i'm paying for it right?!). So he had a long six weeks of recovery, but he's fine now. We also went through an MRI back in August thinking he had a brain tumor or something because he was getting headaches none freaking stop. that came back normal (thank the whoever runs our world) but the poor dude has gotten my shitty genes & now suffers from mirgains. Sorry bud :( momma didn't mean to give you all the bad shit!

But yes as you can see it's been a long crazy, fun few months for me. Life good. the 5 of us are happy & yeah...happy! LOL

It finally came to me.

2011-05-10T21:50:00.000-05:00

I often wondered why we all thought of Lilly to be a butterfly. and it finally came to me. (before i explain, i'll share a lil something then it will all make sense to you all hopefully like it did me & my mom) I ordered caterpillars online (yes I fell for the gimick but dang it, I wanna teach my kids & well I want my own butterflies) & we're sitting here watching them eat & grow & form a cocoon & then my mom & i are sitting here one day talking about how cool it is, how they're tightly wrapped in a cocoon & then they free themselves & turn into this beautiful butterflies & they don't live for a long time, but for their short time, they bring smiles to people.

Ok the whole cocoon thing is how my Lilly was in womb. her animo sack had lost all of it's fluid & her sack was wrapped around her like a cocoon & the nurses had to tear her sack to bring out this small tiny beautiful baby girl.

It makes sense even though I didn't realize it, but I guess in the back of my mind I always had that thought & saying it out loud makes sense that is why we think about her as one & brings us peace when we see one cause we think it's Lilly coming to visit us. & my need for her butterfly tattoo. and to those who lost a baby who is trying to heal, if you can deal with a lil pain, I strongly recomend the tattoo for a source of healing. it helped me ALOT. it took me 6.5 yrs to get mine, but I had to find the perfect one. I feel at peace since getting it. So yes my Lilly is a beautiful butterfly <3

Mother's Day...

2011-05-08T18:00:00.000-05:00

This is the first Mother's Day in my 7yrs of being a mom that has been great. No drama no bs, just perfect. Took a drive with the guy & took the girls to the beach & then just hung out & it was awesome. Perfect sunny weather, temps were perfect. The only thing I would have changed is that my lil man would have come with me instead of staying behind. but he's made up for it since I've been home <3

Being a mom is not an easy job & being a single mom is the hardest job, but I wouldn't trade it. I did everything on my own when the ex husband was a around anyways, so it's best to do it alone then to have someone sit there & watch you do it. It would be nice to have someone to co-parent with me, but until I find my "mr everything" I will do this on my own & do the best I can do & if I mess up well it's my mess up, no one else!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's, grandma's & single dad's out there. cause let's face it guys you're the mom too when you're doing the single dad thing!

food for thought...

2011-04-03T20:37:00.000-05:00

After my best friend & I were texting back & forth complaining about our so called "dating" life a few things were brought to our attention.

#1- Height!!(to some it may be nothing but to us it is) Ok I stand 5'9" & there are times I like to wear hills or atleast shoes with some height to them. why is it that ALL single men these days are short?!?! I would LOVE to find someone who's atleast 5'11" but those days seem to be a thing in the past. Granted I don't judge on the height, one of my ex boyfriends whom i dated for 11months was 5'7" & we had no issues. after a while I just ignored the height difference. but I one LOVE to date someone who's tall! My ex husband was 6'4" a total god when it came to height. but he's the last one i've been with that's been over 5'11"! ugh!! come guys..start walking in some cow shit or whatever you gotta do & get some height on you :) is it too much to ask? otherwise I'm gonna break out in the "lolly pop" song from the wizzard of oz!

and we got the #2 issue- the cling on game.

Now WTF is this all about?!?! you guys can be the cling ons, tell us how you like us & then when we say "yeah I am too" we get the cold sholder or "you're intense". WTF are you kidding me? Did I tell you that you're to intense or ignore you & brush you off, no I accepted it, you made me smile & gave me a rush of butterflies & thought ok now I can finally express how I feel cause I won't get rejected. but wait thanks for the smack in the face! dumb ass, you're now offically being ignored & good luck trying to get off that list!

Ugh men are just retarded! they claim they want a relationship that's a 2 way street but when we give it to them & show them we care, then we're treated like trash. well screw you! really?!?! So sick of the dating game. I will ignore the height thing as long as I can find a man who believes that it's a 2 way street, shows me respect, wants more then just a piece of ass, who can be my equal & best friend. if I can't get that...well then screw it. I'll be single forever.

this year...

2011-03-20T11:23:00.000-05:00

Happy 7th Birthday to my 27 weeker & my lil Angel Lilly. I cannot believe they're 7 years old today :( Where has the time gone??!! Today 7yrs ago my life changed for ever. 2 journeys started. 1 to feel a loss of a beautiful lil girl who wasn't with us for very long, but she touched so many people & friendships grew because of her. she was a fighter & she showed us all how live our because she did in a few 45 mins she was alive. she was my wake up call. that day I grew as a woman & a mom. there was a hole put in my heart because she wasn't with us anymore, but that hole is closing slowly with Love & respect because I see the beauty in things now & each day the grief gets easier & my love grows strongers & I know it's her helping me grow. the 2nd journey was watching my 2lbs 5oz lil boy fight for his life. never knew that someone so lil could have so much fight in them. that day I lost a baby & had to keep coming back the place because my son layed there fighting for his life. 81 days in the nicu & he fought every single day.

My life changed so much in those days. my closest friends became my friends on the internet & nurses, doctors & hospital staff. everyday I sat in his room getting to know him not like a normal mother should learn to know her kid. but I did. I did the hard way. I was taught how to care of a sick lil boy. It was amazing to see. one day we had bad days, then we would have good days & then horrible days & then great days.

Life has never been the same since. but would I trade it....yes & I know. I know now my daughter isn't hurting, she's in a much better place & she's at peace. I grew that day. it was meant for a reason & I can finally accept that & move forward & love life like I should be.

Happy Birthday Carter & Lilly!

Mommy loves you so much! <3

Oh Spring where are you??? (whining vent)

2011-03-05T21:33:00.000-06:00

Oh how I keep wishing for the days of spring & summer to show up. I cannot take much more sick kids in the house. I am so fed up with it. We have had every damn sickness you can get. and i'm not joking. we've had Croup, colds, sinus infections, ear infections, the flu, upper resp. infections, pneumonia, every viral infection out there & today we found out we have Strep! seriously WTF! this winter has totally sucked ass & i'm over it. I want it GONE.

We need this shit gone before the 24th when Cman has his surgery. screw it I just want it gone we're all tired of feeling like shit. We should just take stock in RXs & tissue & vicks. cause that's what we've been living on.

ugh...please tell me it's gonna be over soon & the warm temps will be here?!?!

grrrr

xoxo- Me

a letter to my daughter..

2011-03-03T20:00:00.001-06:00

Dear Lilly,

In 17days you will be 7yrs old which means it's been almost 7yrs that I said Hello & good bye to you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you. I didn't get to see you while you were alive, but I did cherish every Tuesday when I was caring you that I got to see your strong heart beat & you beating the odds when all the doctors had given up hope. you showed us all what kind of a fighter you were. To this day I stand by what I said about you from day one. You are one of my heroes. you showed us all what it was like not to give up hope & to keep pushing on. You saved your brother's life. If you would have passed before it was time, we would have lost him. You my sweet girl is what Heroes are made of! Those that were chosen to meet you I know will never forget you. your tiny foot prints left a huge imprints in everyone's heart.

Thank you for bringing the people I call my family into my life. without them I don't know where I would be. I have such an amazing group of friends/sisters in my life now because of you.

Thank you for the signs to let me know you're around. those are precious to me & i cherish them. but you know you could send me a lil more then you do sweetie!

I love the fact that your brother & sister talk about you as if they met you & know who you are, but I think they do. I think you come and visit them & that's your way of letting me know you're alright & with us always.

I love you sweetie always & forever. This year seems to be a lil easier, but who am I kidding every birthday without you here isn't easy. but i know you'll find a way to be here with us. and like always we promise you balloons!

Ok baby girl..I must go, but I just want you to know. I love you & miss you dearly!

Love always,

Mommy <3

I did it!

2011-02-18T21:06:00.001-06:00

I finally enrolled back in school & I'm doing it actually. LOVE it. I feel so good about myself that I'm actually gonna do something with my life. a little late, but better late then never right?!

My main focus is getting my HSD & then i'll go from there, but I did enroll in the HSD program with medical "hopes" meaning I can become a pharmacy tech, medical assistant ext. Looking into which one I wanna do. but I will cross that bridge when i get there. NO rush right now, just doing the high school thing & one focus at a time.

But i'm doing it yay me! yes I'm proud & yes I was "good job" from people. this time I wanna be the center of attention damn it! lol NOT really. Just nice to know that I am doing it & my kids will be proud of me.

well have a good weekend people. I'm gonna go watch a movie & relax a lil bit.

I think...

2011-02-14T22:44:00.000-06:00

I think i'm to negative of a person..Looking on fb tonight reading my statuses & yeah I post alot of neg. bs. hmmm! I need to change that. I mean really what do it have to be unhappy about really? I got my kids full time (they drive me crazy but it could be worst), my bills are paid, I'm back in school, I have a full time job, a great support system when it comes to family, friends & loved ones. I'm probably in the best shape i've been in a long ass time, but yet i'm still bitchy?!?! hmmm wtf is my problem. I don't have a boyfriend & well frankly that shouldn't be the problem. Met a guy who could have given me what I wanted, but I wasn't into him, so he dumped me cause I was to selfish. ok whatever. so I'm still on the dating sites looking for "mr right". so the no boyfriend thing shouldn't be my problem because I won't settle for anything less then what I want.

So now i'm sitting here going wtf is your problem, why so negative & I cannot come up with a single reason why I am the way I am. I need to change this shit. I got a good life minus a few things I would want, but those will come sooner or later. Now I need to change my mind set & get happier thoughts. being sarcastic is fine sometimes, but not out right bitchy & a downer everyday. I'm gonna get up loosing friends if I don't know this shit off.

ugh! ok...change of thinking change of thinking change of thinking. shit! ok here we go... :)

xoxo ~Shelly

OMG...packers!

2011-02-13T18:09:00.000-06:00

I cannot believe I forgot to blog about this.

My boys in Green & Gold won the superbowl this year. yes you heard it right the GREEN BAY PACKERS are SuperBowl CHAMPS! I am so beyond proud of them, I can't even explain.

I was pretty certian at the beginning for the season watching #12 we were gonna go all the way & even with all of our key players getting kicked out, I was certain, but after #12 getting knocked out of a couple of games I thought for sure we were done for the season, but they rallied & came back & kicked some hard core ass & we got the job done. the game started & ended the way the season did. our old timers played got hurt & then our newbies came out & got the job done.

I of course had stupid things I did before & during each game & in my mind is what got us the wins cause when I didn't do them...they lost games. proven fact. like for instant- every game I posted a sweet message to #12 on facebook. yep I'm a retard but don't care. when I didn't do it, they lost. so I did it every game. and I wore my pj pants & my donald driver tshirt. couldn't wear #12 had to be #80's. oh well I did it. we won games & hell yeah we won the big game.

Took alot of shit from some bears fans, but I came out smelling like the Champs & not smelling like a looser like the bears & culter truly are!

so yeah i'm a happy girl, but now I have to wait til august before it's time for some football again. gonna be a long off season. :(

Valentine's Day...

2011-02-13T17:58:00.001-06:00

That time of year again where the single people needed to be reminded at how badly they suck & are lonely. seriously?!?! Valentine's day sucks ass PERIOD. let me pretend for a moment to actually have a man in my life...Now why do I only get one day for him to actually show me he loves & cares about me. shouldn't that be a 24/7 deal. When i'm with a guy I let him know daily that I care & I show it. why do we need to have 1 day for that. if you ain't showing your S.O. you care then dude you got bigger problems. Hallmark loves to make $$ and they do a good job with one. jewelry stores are busy, florist are busy, restraunts are busy & whatever else can make a buck is busy. it's so annoying & my hate for this holiday started very early around the 1st or 2nd grade when all the popular girls got the most cards & the flowers & us nerdy chicks got spit balls in our hair & the older I get the worst it gets.

I admit, I did buy vday cards & stuff animals, but for my BABIES & my lil 5 & 6yr olds I hang out with! but that's it! the lil ones know no difference & for that I will endur a couple of hours of a party for them & will enjoy the hugs & the "miss michelle thank you". but after that I will come back home turn on my ipod to heavy metal "i hate you" songs & work on some homework. I won't be able to stomach any tv or reg radio tomorrow because it will be all about LOVE. gag! LOVE is over rated & so is valentine's day! I have hope I will find this "love" thing, but i swear if the next guy I meet does anything sweet & romantic on vday next year & not the rest of the year I will punch him & break his heart.

final thoughts....if your honey is doing something special for you on vday but not any other day, maybe you need to sit back, smack him/her & ask..."why today? why not tomorrow or yesterday or 3 days from now, why am I now all of a sudden special to you??" i'd love to see the expression on that persons face when you call them out on the bs! haha I bet it's priceless, I'd love to actually hear stories if someone actually does this!

and those who this day actually means something to you whether it be an anniversary, birthday or something truly special.... Happy Valentine's day.

haha online datng sites....

2010-11-29T13:02:00.001-06:00

Wow..what can i say! I'm either a true idiot for staying on those things or I really just enjoy the laugh at some of these guys!

I get some emails that you can't help but read and laugh at. i don't know what these guys (and women) think they're doing on these sites acting the way they do. i mean come people! my favorite ones are the ones with picture who either have no pic or their pics are 10+ years old. really?! most all cell phones have cameras right? or web cams are easily at our fingers. how hard is it to take a quick picture & put in on your profile. we all sit & say looks don't matter, but yet we all know looks do matter. those that don't have recent pictures on their profile is just starting off with a lie. I will find out who you really are, so why lie about it?

i also love the ones who say they don't want drama & games, but yet they play the hot & cold game. you know who you are too! ugh so annoying. you either want me or you don't. i'm not a yo-yo quit playing me like one damn it!

ok well off to read more on these sites. should be interesting as i have 8 emails waiting!

(still hoping one day I will meet Mr. Right FOR ME!)

part 1-kids...

2010-11-20T20:36:00.000-06:00

ok so since march C has graduated from grade K & is in the 1st grade <3 my lil man has grown up so much!! momma is so proud of him :) he's made a lot of new friends this year & still friends with his buddies from last year. so far he's done so good & the asthma seems to be under control!

miss A is now in school & doing amazing. she went from not knowing alot to being this lil sponge & excelling this year so far! momma is very proud of her too.

they went through alot over the summer & i was unsure how they would adjust but they have shocked us all & showing everyone they're awesome!

yay them!

been a long time....

2010-11-20T19:48:00.000-06:00

can't believe how long it's been since i've posted here. so much has happened. i think i'll do a few post instead of 1 big one. life has been one big roller coaster!

~shelly~

Fort Hood shooting..

2009-11-05T21:45:00.000-06:00

My day was shaken today. everyone has heard about the forthood shooting in texas today. well my little brother & his wife & my neice & nephew are over there. my brother was just stationed there. he's in training there. well thankfully he's ok & so is the family. i'm just a mess though over this. so many what ifs going through my head. I have a brother over in Afghanistan & my dad is over on his 2nd tour of duty in Iraq & now this. this is a BASE, shit like this isn't suppose to happen. WTF seriously!

Yesterday he was at that same building & it could have been him killed or wounded. yes thank god it wasn't, but still it COULD have been him. he is shaken up & i don't blame him. hell it happened just a block from where he was at.

I will give my sis in law kudos though. I jumped on face book when the news broke & found her right away & she was calm & was giving updates non-stop. she was a rock today & D gets a lot of props from me.

I love you J & D and the babies!

Please keep everyone in forthood in your thoughts & prayers <3