it's hard..

Sometimes it's so hard to love someone again. I'm still scared he's gonna leave me. I have so many trust issues because of the asses in the past. I suck with relationships. I love this guy, I really do, but why can't I just go with the flow, why do I always keep looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. Damn it we're living together. Why can't I just be happy!?!?! this is a struggle & i can't shake it. it's getting to the damn point that I'm half tempted to go pay someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong, but do I really wanna pay for that shit..for someone to tell me what I already know? that i'm a F-ed up messed! I need help though.

People have asked me many times "you wanna get married again" my answer is  ummmm No i'm ok without that piece of paper!! I don't need it. i don't need a piece of paper to tell me I should love this person. had it once, it didn't mean shit! do I sometimes get lost in the thought of my "wedding" sure what girl doesn't?  I never had the fairytale wedding but No i'm ok with no getting married again. Now that doesn't mean if someone that I loved asked me to marry him  I would say NO, I would consider it, but for now I am happy without & I could live without it.

He tells me he loves me, I mean come on I was in a yr relationship with a guy who told me he only told me kids he loved them cause it was just words, no meaning behind it! and this one is a hell of alot better cause he says he loves me with his words, not with his fist!  We're living together for christ sake, but my gut won't allow me to fully be happy cause I am scared if I just give it my all I will be crushed to pieces! :( :( I cry so much (in private of course cause I don't want him to see it.)

To all the assholes who have destroyed me...SCREW you! I hope you're all happy for the mess you've left.

JL if you're reading this. I knew I was gonna love you the moment I read for dating profile & when you decided to take a chance of me after 2 weeks of telling me I was to far. 10 months together, everyday I fall a lil more in love with you & your daughter. I couldn't ask for a better ass to live with & be my guy. my kids adore you too. but you know this already. I hope we have many more months together. :P xoxo

Hello 2012 goodbye 2011

Ok so 2011 wasn't all that bad. actually it had some bumps but it wasn't a horrible year & trust me i've had worst. Sure my son had 2 surgeries 1 minor & 1 major, but for the most part it was a good year. I mean I met my guy & we've been living together since July. rough around the edges but it's good.

I just hope that 2012 will be No surgeries for any of the kids or myself, staying with my man & keeping our lil happy home going & growing closer, the kids see their dad more, happy times & good times. that's my hope. but we don't know what the future holds for any of us & well I guess it's just gonna be a one day at a time thing.

Happy new year everyone!