Sometimes it's so hard to love someone again. I'm still scared he's gonna leave me. I have so many trust issues because of the asses in the past. I suck with relationships. I love this guy, I really do, but why can't I just go with the flow, why do I always keep looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. Damn it we're living together. Why can't I just be happy!?!?! this is a struggle & i can't shake it. it's getting to the damn point that I'm half tempted to go pay someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong, but do I really wanna pay for that shit..for someone to tell me what I already know? that i'm a F-ed up messed! I need help though.
People have asked me many times "you wanna get married again" my answer is ummmm No i'm ok without that piece of paper!! I don't need it. i don't need a piece of paper to tell me I should love this person. had it once, it didn't mean shit! do I sometimes get lost in the thought of my "wedding" sure what girl doesn't? I never had the fairytale wedding but No i'm ok with no getting married again. Now that doesn't mean if someone that I loved asked me to marry him I would say NO, I would consider it, but for now I am happy without & I could live without it.
He tells me he loves me, I mean come on I was in a yr relationship with a guy who told me he only told me kids he loved them cause it was just words, no meaning behind it! and this one is a hell of alot better cause he says he loves me with his words, not with his fist! We're living together for christ sake, but my gut won't allow me to fully be happy cause I am scared if I just give it my all I will be crushed to pieces! :( :( I cry so much (in private of course cause I don't want him to see it.)
To all the assholes who have destroyed me...SCREW you! I hope you're all happy for the mess you've left.
JL if you're reading this. I knew I was gonna love you the moment I read for dating profile & when you decided to take a chance of me after 2 weeks of telling me I was to far. 10 months together, everyday I fall a lil more in love with you & your daughter. I couldn't ask for a better ass to live with & be my guy. my kids adore you too. but you know this already. I hope we have many more months together. :P xoxo
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Hello 2012 goodbye 2011
Ok so 2011 wasn't all that bad. actually it had some bumps but it wasn't a horrible year & trust me i've had worst. Sure my son had 2 surgeries 1 minor & 1 major, but for the most part it was a good year. I mean I met my guy & we've been living together since July. rough around the edges but it's good.
I just hope that 2012 will be No surgeries for any of the kids or myself, staying with my man & keeping our lil happy home going & growing closer, the kids see their dad more, happy times & good times. that's my hope. but we don't know what the future holds for any of us & well I guess it's just gonna be a one day at a time thing.
Happy new year everyone!
I just hope that 2012 will be No surgeries for any of the kids or myself, staying with my man & keeping our lil happy home going & growing closer, the kids see their dad more, happy times & good times. that's my hope. but we don't know what the future holds for any of us & well I guess it's just gonna be a one day at a time thing.
Happy new year everyone!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Lost but never forgotten....
So today I went with my brother & his family & my mom to get family pics done since we've never done that. this marks the first year i've ever gotten pics done by someone since the kids were born, since the divorce & ext. sure i've done the pics with my camera but to have it done by a professional...never happened before til today. On our way my mom was telling me how C was talking about L & my niece asked who L was...C said "well I was a sick baby & was in the hospital a long time, and I have a twin sister L who died & she's up in heaven" C did it with tears in his eyes, but a 7yr old explained to a 9yr old his lil life story...she had no idea & she gave him a hug & said "i am so sorry". Funny how they were talking about this on this day as today is the
WORLDWIDE, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - Miscarriage, Stillbirth, SIDS.
weird right?? yeah I think so but I also think it was L saying.."hey mom i'm here". Damn I love those lil signs! they make my day, hour, week, month whatever! I love it! So we went & got the pictures done & even though L wasn't here, she was in our hearts & on our minds. Thanks C for bringing her up on this special day. I'm gonna go light my candle tonight & think of lil one (like that doesn't happen everyday) and honor her tonight.
I love you lil one.
Always & forever!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
I'm back..
Yeah, I took sometime but come one, I can explain!
ok #1 reason for taking time off (and I know I should never use this as an excuse) a boyfriend. Yes ladies & gents. I got a new man in my life & we're living together. How long will this last? well 6.5 months so far & 2 months living together & we haven't killed each other yet or had a huge fight. So either we're good at ignoring our issues or this is actually a good relationship, but whatever..I'm living in the present, not the future or the past. But all honesty he's a good guy..I love him (yeah dumbass that I am, swore i'd never fall in love again. umm SHIT..oh well, i can't help it. I did fall & i'm ok with it)
Ok Reason #2- school..ahhh yes we are back in school & i'm so loving this. they're out of my hair & bugging the teachers! haha suckers :)
Reason #3- well duhhhh it was summer & I was too busy to be on the computer. yes, other then the farmville addiction I have, I spent most of my days & nights outside enjoying our wannabe heat. seriously WI had a shitty summer, but oh well. it got hot, I love it nuff said.
Reason #4- my son had yet another surgery- This time with an ambulace ride to Children's in Milwaukee. Fun shit I tell ya. Kid wasn't even out of school for a week (seriously by sunday after his last day we were in the ER) and the dude had emergency surgery! What we thought was his appendix, turned out to be twisted fatty tissue that made it look like the appendix. So he got some twisted fatty stuff removed along with the appendix (if you're in there doing what looks like appendix scars, might as well take it too. after all i'm paying for it right?!). So he had a long six weeks of recovery, but he's fine now. We also went through an MRI back in August thinking he had a brain tumor or something because he was getting headaches none freaking stop. that came back normal (thank the whoever runs our world) but the poor dude has gotten my shitty genes & now suffers from mirgains. Sorry bud :( momma didn't mean to give you all the bad shit!
But yes as you can see it's been a long crazy, fun few months for me. Life good. the 5 of us are happy & yeah...happy! LOL
ok #1 reason for taking time off (and I know I should never use this as an excuse) a boyfriend. Yes ladies & gents. I got a new man in my life & we're living together. How long will this last? well 6.5 months so far & 2 months living together & we haven't killed each other yet or had a huge fight. So either we're good at ignoring our issues or this is actually a good relationship, but whatever..I'm living in the present, not the future or the past. But all honesty he's a good guy..I love him (yeah dumbass that I am, swore i'd never fall in love again. umm SHIT..oh well, i can't help it. I did fall & i'm ok with it)
Ok Reason #2- school..ahhh yes we are back in school & i'm so loving this. they're out of my hair & bugging the teachers! haha suckers :)
Reason #3- well duhhhh it was summer & I was too busy to be on the computer. yes, other then the farmville addiction I have, I spent most of my days & nights outside enjoying our wannabe heat. seriously WI had a shitty summer, but oh well. it got hot, I love it nuff said.
Reason #4- my son had yet another surgery- This time with an ambulace ride to Children's in Milwaukee. Fun shit I tell ya. Kid wasn't even out of school for a week (seriously by sunday after his last day we were in the ER) and the dude had emergency surgery! What we thought was his appendix, turned out to be twisted fatty tissue that made it look like the appendix. So he got some twisted fatty stuff removed along with the appendix (if you're in there doing what looks like appendix scars, might as well take it too. after all i'm paying for it right?!). So he had a long six weeks of recovery, but he's fine now. We also went through an MRI back in August thinking he had a brain tumor or something because he was getting headaches none freaking stop. that came back normal (thank the whoever runs our world) but the poor dude has gotten my shitty genes & now suffers from mirgains. Sorry bud :( momma didn't mean to give you all the bad shit!
But yes as you can see it's been a long crazy, fun few months for me. Life good. the 5 of us are happy & yeah...happy! LOL
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
It finally came to me.
I often wondered why we all thought of Lilly to be a butterfly. and it finally came to me. (before i explain, i'll share a lil something then it will all make sense to you all hopefully like it did me & my mom) I ordered caterpillars online (yes I fell for the gimick but dang it, I wanna teach my kids & well I want my own butterflies) & we're sitting here watching them eat & grow & form a cocoon & then my mom & i are sitting here one day talking about how cool it is, how they're tightly wrapped in a cocoon & then they free themselves & turn into this beautiful butterflies & they don't live for a long time, but for their short time, they bring smiles to people.
Ok the whole cocoon thing is how my Lilly was in womb. her animo sack had lost all of it's fluid & her sack was wrapped around her like a cocoon & the nurses had to tear her sack to bring out this small tiny beautiful baby girl.
It makes sense even though I didn't realize it, but I guess in the back of my mind I always had that thought & saying it out loud makes sense that is why we think about her as one & brings us peace when we see one cause we think it's Lilly coming to visit us. & my need for her butterfly tattoo. and to those who lost a baby who is trying to heal, if you can deal with a lil pain, I strongly recomend the tattoo for a source of healing. it helped me ALOT. it took me 6.5 yrs to get mine, but I had to find the perfect one. I feel at peace since getting it. So yes my Lilly is a beautiful butterfly <3
Ok the whole cocoon thing is how my Lilly was in womb. her animo sack had lost all of it's fluid & her sack was wrapped around her like a cocoon & the nurses had to tear her sack to bring out this small tiny beautiful baby girl.
It makes sense even though I didn't realize it, but I guess in the back of my mind I always had that thought & saying it out loud makes sense that is why we think about her as one & brings us peace when we see one cause we think it's Lilly coming to visit us. & my need for her butterfly tattoo. and to those who lost a baby who is trying to heal, if you can deal with a lil pain, I strongly recomend the tattoo for a source of healing. it helped me ALOT. it took me 6.5 yrs to get mine, but I had to find the perfect one. I feel at peace since getting it. So yes my Lilly is a beautiful butterfly <3
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day...
This is the first Mother's Day in my 7yrs of being a mom that has been great. No drama no bs, just perfect. Took a drive with the guy & took the girls to the beach & then just hung out & it was awesome. Perfect sunny weather, temps were perfect. The only thing I would have changed is that my lil man would have come with me instead of staying behind. but he's made up for it since I've been home <3
Being a mom is not an easy job & being a single mom is the hardest job, but I wouldn't trade it. I did everything on my own when the ex husband was a around anyways, so it's best to do it alone then to have someone sit there & watch you do it. It would be nice to have someone to co-parent with me, but until I find my "mr everything" I will do this on my own & do the best I can do & if I mess up well it's my mess up, no one else!
Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's, grandma's & single dad's out there. cause let's face it guys you're the mom too when you're doing the single dad thing!
Being a mom is not an easy job & being a single mom is the hardest job, but I wouldn't trade it. I did everything on my own when the ex husband was a around anyways, so it's best to do it alone then to have someone sit there & watch you do it. It would be nice to have someone to co-parent with me, but until I find my "mr everything" I will do this on my own & do the best I can do & if I mess up well it's my mess up, no one else!
Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's, grandma's & single dad's out there. cause let's face it guys you're the mom too when you're doing the single dad thing!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
food for thought...
After my best friend & I were texting back & forth complaining about our so called "dating" life a few things were brought to our attention.
#1- Height!!(to some it may be nothing but to us it is) Ok I stand 5'9" & there are times I like to wear hills or atleast shoes with some height to them. why is it that ALL single men these days are short?!?! I would LOVE to find someone who's atleast 5'11" but those days seem to be a thing in the past. Granted I don't judge on the height, one of my ex boyfriends whom i dated for 11months was 5'7" & we had no issues. after a while I just ignored the height difference. but I one LOVE to date someone who's tall! My ex husband was 6'4" a total god when it came to height. but he's the last one i've been with that's been over 5'11"! ugh!! come guys..start walking in some cow shit or whatever you gotta do & get some height on you :) is it too much to ask? otherwise I'm gonna break out in the "lolly pop" song from the wizzard of oz!
and we got the #2 issue- the cling on game.
Now WTF is this all about?!?! you guys can be the cling ons, tell us how you like us & then when we say "yeah I am too" we get the cold sholder or "you're intense". WTF are you kidding me? Did I tell you that you're to intense or ignore you & brush you off, no I accepted it, you made me smile & gave me a rush of butterflies & thought ok now I can finally express how I feel cause I won't get rejected. but wait thanks for the smack in the face! dumb ass, you're now offically being ignored & good luck trying to get off that list!
Ugh men are just retarded! they claim they want a relationship that's a 2 way street but when we give it to them & show them we care, then we're treated like trash. well screw you! really?!?! So sick of the dating game. I will ignore the height thing as long as I can find a man who believes that it's a 2 way street, shows me respect, wants more then just a piece of ass, who can be my equal & best friend. if I can't get that...well then screw it. I'll be single forever.
#1- Height!!(to some it may be nothing but to us it is) Ok I stand 5'9" & there are times I like to wear hills or atleast shoes with some height to them. why is it that ALL single men these days are short?!?! I would LOVE to find someone who's atleast 5'11" but those days seem to be a thing in the past. Granted I don't judge on the height, one of my ex boyfriends whom i dated for 11months was 5'7" & we had no issues. after a while I just ignored the height difference. but I one LOVE to date someone who's tall! My ex husband was 6'4" a total god when it came to height. but he's the last one i've been with that's been over 5'11"! ugh!! come guys..start walking in some cow shit or whatever you gotta do & get some height on you :) is it too much to ask? otherwise I'm gonna break out in the "lolly pop" song from the wizzard of oz!
and we got the #2 issue- the cling on game.
Now WTF is this all about?!?! you guys can be the cling ons, tell us how you like us & then when we say "yeah I am too" we get the cold sholder or "you're intense". WTF are you kidding me? Did I tell you that you're to intense or ignore you & brush you off, no I accepted it, you made me smile & gave me a rush of butterflies & thought ok now I can finally express how I feel cause I won't get rejected. but wait thanks for the smack in the face! dumb ass, you're now offically being ignored & good luck trying to get off that list!
Ugh men are just retarded! they claim they want a relationship that's a 2 way street but when we give it to them & show them we care, then we're treated like trash. well screw you! really?!?! So sick of the dating game. I will ignore the height thing as long as I can find a man who believes that it's a 2 way street, shows me respect, wants more then just a piece of ass, who can be my equal & best friend. if I can't get that...well then screw it. I'll be single forever.
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